It has been a while since I have posted anything here, but I feel like this simply HAS to be said ...

Things That Are Awesome

1. Orphans. I have sold many a pack of cigarettes to orphans over the years, and I will say this without reservation -- they are, without exception, top notch in every respect.

Say it with me all together now: "Orphans. Are. Awesome."

2. Street urchins. I know what you are probably saying. "What's the difference between a street urchin and an orphan?" Well, I'm no expert, but in my experience, unlike your garden-variety orphans, street urchins typically wear hats and scarves and gloves without fingers, they gather around trash cans with fires set in them, and they say things like "Tuppence" and "Govner." But they're still awesome.

3. Gypsies. Unlike so many whose lives have been led irrevocably astray and whose bankaccounts have been emptied thanks to a fortune told to them by one of our Romani brethren, I still hold the gypsy fortune teller in high esteem.

Gypsies are awesome.

Tramps are half-awesome.

But thieves? Thieves are not awesome at all.

4. Tubas. You cannot have a brass band without a tuba. And life without a little brass band in it ... well, that's like a circus without monkeys. I.e., ergo and ipso facto - what's the point?

Also, if it weren't for tubas, who would you have to sit next to in the back of band class to help you mess with Ray Knitla, the band teacher? I ask you, who? Okay, the trombones, I guess you'd have the trombones. So, what the hell - trombones are awesome too.

And speaking of our primate pals ...

5. Monkey butlers. Why the government won't go ahead and admit this fact, I'll never understand. This is the kind of willful ignorance that lets the Godless Communists behind the X-Prize beat us in the space race.

6. Steve Earle. As a song-writer and, as we kids used to say "on record," Steve Earle is awesome. As a live performer, though, boring.

7. One-armed country lawyers. Did you know John Dillinger was defended by a one-armed lawyer? That fact alone is awesome.

And all of us who have been in trouble with Johnny Law before know this jailhouse truism: When you're in trouble, hire a country lawyer on the double. The more cornpone, the better. See: Matlock for more evidence.

Better yet, ask me to perform my country lawyer act at your child's birthday party. He or she will never forgive you for i ... I mean they will be scarred for lif ... I mean they will love you for it.

For the advantages of keeping a one-armed man on the payroll, please review the following. Take good notes.

8. Time machines. I love a good time machine. And if they ever come up with an X-Prize for a time machine, I will finish converting that hot tub in my back yard into a working time machine and I WILL have the last laugh!

Barring that, I'll pay one of the neighbor kids to dress up like a Morlock for the awards ceremony and we'll at least have a small chuckle at someone's expense.

9. Dirt bike kids from Oklahoma. And I'm not just saying this because I've been disguising myself as Jarley Hebens, the Dirt Bike Kid from Oklahoma in order to infiltrate my neighborhood kid's gang, earn their trust and find out who keeps trying to break into my house.

I feel kind of guilty about it. No betrayal stings as greatly was when you've been befriended and then betrayed by the Dirt Bike Kid from Oklahoma. Trust me on this one.

10. Duct Tape. Obviously.

P.S. Pirates used to be awesome. Now they are kind of played-out. Thanks A LOT Somalia!

Also, Mexican prison is somewhat less than awesome.

To be continued ...

The kind of history they never talk about in history class

Abe Lincoln, Magnificent Bastard.

It's usually, sometimes funny on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

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What I did on my summer vacation, 1966-1974

P.S. Monika Ramirez? Total nympho. (Seriously. She and Sasquatch, like, did it. All the time, they did it.)

Then, of course, I had to get a job at the wax museum to put myself through criminology college.



Then, of course, I took that job on the Love Boat.

And then I ran for U.S. Senate.

Crazy Monkey Shenanigans in Germany

And, as you are all well aware, German crazy monkey shenanigans is the BEST kind of crazy monkey shenanigans. Or, the worst. Depending upon your perspective.

Make your own at MoreCowbell.dj

Real? Or Fake?

Real? Or Fake?
Originally uploaded by Harley_J

If fake, this is definitely my pick for fake mustache photo of the week.

You know what? Even if real, this is STILL my pick for fake mustache photo of the week.

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

逝者如斯 #1 Origin of Yangtze River
Originally uploaded by Luo Shaoyang

The Chang Jiang (长江) or Yangtze River is the largest river in China and the third longest in the world after the Nile and the Amazon. It flows 6 300 km from its source in western Qinghai province, north of Tibet, to the East China sea at Shanghai. During the 40 million years history of the life and 50,000 years history of human civilization, Yangtze River, a mother river of the Chinese people,brings up billions of Huaxia(华夏子孙) people.

I took this photo through glass-window of a moving train from Beijing to Tibet, it was taking on the so called " First Bridge" of the river - The origin of Yangtze River

Well, not "Me" so much as "me, myself and I" but rather "me" as in "I was the one who copied this description off of Fkickr."

Gotta admit, though, pretty choice photo.